What a roller coaster! After much more family discussion and reflection, I have decided it is time for a change. And so I have resigned from my day job. I have not been able to find a way to tailor my responses and adjust my ways of thinking to "fit" in our new organization.
I readily admit I am not an easy employee to manage - I question everything. Every day, I learn something new. So every day, every task, I ask myself - is this still the best way to do this? How can I apply what I learned make this more efficient? A mightily annoying perspective for managers who just like the way it's always been done. And then to make it worse, I have a passion for collaboration and cooperation, so I try to share. To top it all off, I don't seem to be able to let go until I understand an issue or resolve an issue. Just the worst employee ever.
But I'm all out of fight. I am realizing that this is no longer my battle. It is destroying my sanity and my health to keep trying. So ... time to "turn the page" (yes, a favourite song!). And to take advantage of our great blessing that I can take some time to figure out our next chapter.
And so, change is good! I am heartbroken but also feeling less burdened. I have tried, I have battled, I have done my best and I believe I leave a positive legacy for most of my colleagues. At least, I've planted the seeds for positive changes.
I've also been very fortunate to have had an opportunity to work with a very amazing coach, and even though we've only worked together for a wee bit, she deeply understands so much. Things I had not yet been able to put into words. Deep, tough questions to help you get to a positive place. So I realize now one of the things that is creates so much angst for me has been that there are so many things I wanted to finish that I won't be able to. With her help, I also realize that is ok - I have planted the seed and it is OK for someone else to take over and complete the initiative (or not!).
My focus for the next few weeks then is to pick the things to finish that I will actually be able to finish, to leave proudly and positively. And to get to a point where I am not weeping at the drop of the hat.
The warrior woman graphic? This coach understands me deeply - it is my personal style to be a fighter, even if it is not just for me. Like the battles to keep our small schools open, and all those fights I've fought over the years. She had this vision of me! What I love most about the graphic - the sturdy steed is a unicorn :)
So I am most grateful today for the wise, strong woman with such insight to inspire affirming introspection, and help crystallize goals and vision into positive actions. And a wonderful sense of humour!
My heart is full from the good wishes and virtual hugs of my credit union network family.